Here’s to the worst fucking night of my life.

Note to self: Make sure you’re never the odd man out when theres booze in the equation…

It was a lovely night in May right before graduation. Five good friend, a tent, and a cooler filled with probably $40 in Smirnoff Ice. We must have waited til 11 that night to even start because The Adulterist was so freaking late because his nasty ass girlfriend kept him so late…god forbid that he has friends. 

Eleven came around. To the tent. Cooler in hand…okay, over shoulder, it was heavy. We seriously only had to have been drinking for an hour before “it” began. Drunk Bitch was like, I don’t even know, seven drinks in. It was the first fucking hour. We were playing a card game, “Naughty Truth or Dare”. We played for, probably, 5 minutes? Then Drunk Bitch spilled her drink all down her tits; and I may add that she was down to her underwear. So of course the horny Adulterist took total advantage of that. He dives right in. Licking it right off her chest. 

At this point The Adulterist and Drunk Bitch are in a half naked colossal mess of drunken pheromones and sweat. The Stallion and The Champ advise them that what they’re doing probably isn’t the best idea, that they’re drinking and that The Adulterist does indeed have a girlfriend…even though she is a total bitch. 

I will point out that I am sitting here in a drunken mess just watching. I mean I’m pretty shitfaced. So I just sit back and observe. 

The Champ and The Stallion start talking and it looks like they might? Oh. Yep. There they go. The two of them are in a kissy mess. Shirt flying. Mean while over of the far side of the tent…The Adulterist and Drunk Bitch are now in a nakie ball of sin. She goes down on him, going to town on his dick. Then there was no more room for foreplay. On went the condom and the genital fapping began. FAPFAPFAPFAP!! Then off went the condom, as it soared across the tent filled with cum…

At this point I’m trying to sleep…because, well, being the fifth wheel sucks. I mean there was no way I could sleep. The Adulterist porking Drunk bitch and the sound of their wet grody crotches slapping together. I will say though that kid has stamina, they went for hours… Meanwhile 4 feet away from me, The Champ is chopping away at The Stallions dick (gross). From what I hear, it was the best head he’s ever gotten. She knew right when to stop. After his mind blowing blow job when he finished in her mouth and she screams “Fuck yeah! Who just swallowed like I champ? Oh I did!” 

The Stallion said he’d stop because he knew I was left out. Which was a nice gesture on its own…but The Champ was such a vacuum and refused to stop.  You can’t stop a bitch when she’s on a mission. I understood and continued to die in the corner. True bro for thinking of me though :)

And yes they’re still fucking in the corner.

After the whole sexcapade, we all went to sleep. The Adulterist then wakes me up at like 4AM shaking my shoulder, kneeling next to me…naked. “Mikael where the fuck are my clothes” so he gets his clothes and leaves. Then morning came and we all scattered and left and went home.

As a ending note, my mom want throughout the trash from that night to recycle the glass bottles and wound up picking up the used condom and getting cum all over her hand. LMAO. 

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I mean come on, everyone needs to get so fucking drunk at one point that their face becomes one with the toilet and you just drink so much that you pass out and almost die…right? Well in her case, the bathroom was her bowl. I have never personally seen one human-being puke so much in my whole fucking life. Like seriously. 

It all started at home, packing the gym bag with Jose, pomegranate Captain, and some generic vodka that tasted like rubbing alcohol and somehow didn’t give me a hangover… Now lets stop there! That was way too much alcohol for four people, woops. When we got up to middle of nowhere New Hampshire the drinking began right away, obviously. So as my uncle taught me, if you’re going to drink…then fucking DRINK. He also taught me that alcohol should always take priority to the cup, juice is for pussies. A splash doesn’t hurt though for a little flavor. Four, five, six shots per glass, good. We’ve all downed about three drinks…shit it’s only been an hour and a half… Then it’s all down hill from there. I hear, “come on best friend, LETS DO SHOTS!” 

About twenty minutes later is where the FUCK MY LIFE COMES IN. “Ugh, I’m going to throw up.” Our thoughts, “fuck not in the living room” “not on the carpet!” Run to the bathroom. Throw a bitch in there. Bitch doesn’t make it to the toilet. Hello puke lagoon on bathroom floor…

God do I hate pussies who can’t hold there own liquor, let alone waste it by projectile vomiting it all over the goddamn mother fucking bathroom. Anyways, bitch get in the shower! Oops, as her head bounces off the edge of the shower. That’ll leave a bruise. Shower on, nasty pukey female in the shower. Good right, of course not. Now she’s pail. Fuck first sign of alcohol poisoning. Fuck that, I am not going to jail tonight. Puke her and hydrate her and she’ll be fine. Male friend heroically managed to stomach picking up puke chunks with his bare hands. Like wtf? How can you go from drunk as shit to responsibly sober and scoop puke while pretty much taking care of everything? I attempted to help while dry heaving…it was the thought that counted. Never have I needed, what was it? Six or seven towels to clean up stomach bile and alcohol and water off the floor…

After an hour and a half of puking, and hydrating, and cold showers and hot showers to keep her awake so she doesn’t die…best friend bathes her and male friend and I carry her ass to bed. 

That was fun right? Well now that she’s alive and well with a hilarious bruise on her forehead, all is well. Looking back at that night was probably the funniest, scariest, most memorable night that I could have had with my three best friends. 

Lesson learned? Nope, I’ll do it again in a heart beat…maybe without the puke though.